the joy of being reminded of His love (#4)

**this is part 4 of my testimony that i began posting on 5/17/10**

So, I waited. I slowed down. I kept moving forward with my life.
Around this same time, I was blessed with a job as a nanny for a little boy. I started watching him when he was 2 months old and would be with him 4-6 days a week for 10-12 hours a day.

I had never been this close to a child before and didn't realize how much of my heart was going into it. I was with him for so much of his day because his mom was raising him on her own and she worked a very time consuming job. I would be there when he woke up and be with him, in his daily routine, until it was dinner and bath time.

I taught him new words, took him to new places, fed him new foods, dressed him, bathed him, loved him, cared for him, disciplined him...all the while learning how deep a love for another human can go. This child was finding a very solid and very deep place to settle into my heart and the more time I spent with him, the more I didn't want to let him go.

...Somewhere in the midst of it, I became his primary care giver.
...Somewhere in between feedings and walks and outings, I put a lot more than just my hours into caring for this sweet baby boy.
...Somewhere in the day to day life of taking care of this child, I refused to trust that the Lord would take better care of him than I could.
...Somewhere along the way, my heart got attached.
Then, as the Lord tried to reveal to me the dangers of holding onto something that was never mine in the first place, I tried not to listen.

He got louder. I held on tighter.

Eventually, the situation became something unhealthy and completely out of my control. I had been the primary care-giver for him for over 1.5 years when I chose to move in with him and his mom. The reasoning was that it would be easier to help out.

Boundaries started getting shady. She began asking me to spend more time with him--which led to her spending more time for herself and her own desires. I chose to spend more time with him because I thought I could make up for what he wasn't receiving from his mom.

Then, a moral issue came up that I knew in my heart of hearts I couldn't ignore.

I sat down with my pastor and told him the whole story, asking him for advice. He looked me straight in the eye and all he had to say was "Erika, I think you know what you need to do."
I had to leave.

I had allowed the situation to become unhealthy. I filled in the gaps of mothering this child when it was his mom that needed to be doing it. I worried about him as if he were mine to worry about when in reality, he was always the Lord's. I cared about him thinking I was the only one that would--when it was the Lord who was wanting to care for him through me.

It tore me apart to walk away from this situation but I knew I had to do it. The Lord, all along, kept telling me that He would take care of him. He would be with him even when I wasn't. I trusted His words and I trusted that the Lord could care for him in a way that I couldn't. But still, walking away from this child that I helped raise for almost two years was heartbreaking and painful.

It was the first time I knew true heartache and true loss. It was the first time I can remember my heart being left behind as I packed up boxes one day and drove away. My stuff came with me and I moved forward to another season, but my heart stayed behind with that little boy.

The day after I told his mom that I was leaving, I packed up my stuff. A week after I told her I was leaving was the last day that I ever saw that part of my heart again. His mom wouldn't let me keep in contact and I've had to be OK with that decision ever since.

More than just being OK with this situation, I came to understand that the Lord is the only One that will answer with Truth when you cry out to Him in heartache and pain.

I couldn't say that I was "happy" after this decision was made. I would never tell you that I was content with the decision, either. But I will tell you that it was the right decision. I will also tell you that it was the best decision I could have made simply because it was the decision that the Lord was asking me to make.

He asked me to trust Him with my heart. I gave it to Him when it was wounded and open from the pain of tearing it away from this family.

He asked me to trust His direction. I blindly stepped forward not knowing where I was going to be going next, but knowing, with full assurance, that He knew.

He asked me to hand it all back to Him and come to Him simply as myself. I obediently peeled back the layers of who I labeled myself to be in order to learn what it meant to simply be His daughter again.

I quietly sat and cried in my Father's arms as I continued to recognize that His ways are higher than mine and His thoughts are beyond my own. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

Eventually, amidst tears and sorrow, He began leading me forward again…

(is there anything in your life that you are holding onto too tightly? Let Jesus Christ, the one who came down to this earth to bring you joy, take it from your hands. It will hurt, but it will heal. The bible says that we are to have no other gods before Him. He is a jealous God who not only wants all your heart, but wants to give you all of His. If you have never confessed Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, and want to know more about how to do this, please email me at erikamarie82@gmail.com)

the joy of waiting (#3)

**this is part 3 of my testimony that i began posting on 5/17/10**

I asked God if I could go to Scotland.

I had been growing in the Lord and knew that I was "right" with Him. I knew that He was directing my path and giving me a chance to know more about Him. I still had a lot to learn (don't we always) and I was still pretty immature in a lot of aspects in my life. But I was happy. And that's where I thought I was meant to be: in a blissful Utopian-like world where there were daisy fields and butterflies, smiling faces and laughter. This was Christianity and this was where God would use me.

I kept seeking the Lord. I kept praying. I started looking into making plans for heading over to Scotland. I made steps to figuring out how I could come up alongside the church plant that was going to happen. I wondered when I was going to get to go. I was ready. I wanted to. I knew the message these people needed and I thought I knew what that was in my life. Happiness. They needed to smile. They needed joy. They needed to peel back the proverbial cloud that they were living under to experience true LIFE in the light of our Lord.

I waited for a response. He gave it. Someone once told me that God always response to prayers in three different ways: yes, no and wait.

And God responded to this prayer, too.

I didn't understand it, but I knew I needed to trust Him. If we were having a conversation, it would have gone something like this:

"Lord, my heart is breaking for these people...YOUR people...will you send me to Scotland?"
"Erika, wait."
"Wait, Lord?"
"Wait."
"Why? Why can't I go now? They need you! They need to hear about Your salvation!"
"Wait Erika."
"Until when? When can I go?"

The conversation ended as the Lord showed me the darkness of Scotland in contrast with the happiness of my life. I saw the smiles of people around me, the happiness I had in the life that He was allowing me to live at that time, and I wanted to bring what I felt to the UK.

He responded with a statement that still repeats in my mind to this day: "Erika, your joy needs to be found in Me first. You need to be grounded in My joy."

You see, friends, there is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness lasts only for a period of time. It is an emotion. It is circumstantial at best. Happiness comes from the moment, from the feeling, from surroundings. Sure, I was happy in my life. But where was my joy?

I didn't know. But I did know that God said "no" for now, but He also gave me hope.  Psalm 138:8 says "the Lord will perfect that which concerns me. Your mercies, O Lord, endure forever, do not forsake the works of Your hands." I was able to stand up and step forward knowing that His timing would be perfect. I began a course of waiting and, with that, started filling my "waiting period" with other things that would honor the Lord.

At this point, I started attending bible college. I had such a desire to know more about the Lord, but didn't know how else to pursue that. When the opportunity came up for me to take classes at a bible college that was offered at a local church, I looked into it immediately. By the end of 2003, I left Cuesta College and was attending only bible college and working full time.

I had a full plate as I was going to school, working full time, being on student staff in our college group, and all-together enjoying life.

But I kept wondering where I was going to find joy...

(as you continue to read my story, know that happiness is self-made. True happiness and joy only comes from a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He died and rose again that we may know what true joy is: being in His presence. Our sin separates us from Him and He wants us to be with Him. He made a way for that to happen. If you want to know more, please email me at erikamarie82@gmail.com. This decision is the most important one you will make in this life: will you accept His offer of salvation and choose a relationship with Jesus Christ?)

the joy of a broken heart (#2)

Shortly after I moved back and began attending church regularly again, the Lord gave me a desire to get involved. Going to the college group showed me what true fellowship was, serving in children's ministry and on the media team helped me appreciate service in a way I had never known before, and seeing teams and missionaries go and come back gave me that passion to do something "more" for the Lord.

I was happy. I was content. I was surrounded by friends that I loved and in ministries that I enjoyed. In essence, I was "thriving" and I was ready to take on so much for the Lord's sake. I thought, for sure, this was what it was supposed to feel like as we surrendered our lives to the Lord. We reach out to Him and He gives us a smile-friendly life to lead. Right?

It was pretty soon after I remember getting involved that a short term trip came back from Scotland. It had been announced, around that same time, that one of the assistant pastors would be moving there to begin a work as well.

I can't remember my first thoughts upon hearing this announcement, but think about it: Scotland? Seriously? They aren't poor like certain places in Africa. They aren't devastated by wars like Ukraine. They aren't oppressed like China. They aren't lost tribes in the middle of the jungle. They aren't...well...typically a country one things of when you hear the word "missionary" at all. Why Scotland?

One Sunday, they showed us a video. As the song "Light of the World" began playing in the background, the video camera panned the darkened streets of Edinburgh. It showed centuries-old churches being used as occult shops. It showed kids so lost in their own world of self-satisfaction and hate that they couldn't even fathom unconditional love.

It showed a world desperate for the Love of God. It showed a country that had once sent out the first missionaries to un-churched people groups now unable to understand the joy of sharing that good news.

I remember crying. I remember wanting to reach out and hug those kids. I remember being angry at those shop owners who would turn what used to be a house of worship into a house of blasphemy. My heart burned with a desire to produce change but without the means to do so.

When a heart breaks, it does so in a million pieces. It is messy. It is real. It is also only something that can be healed by the Great Physician. Watching that video and hearing our pastor's heart for the lost of Scotland, my heart cried out. It broke in that messy, real way that is hard to clean up.

I prayed. I got on my knees. I asked the Lord to send me there. I wanted to give to these people the salvation that I had. I wanted to tell them that what they were doing was wrong. I wanted to give them HOPE and show them Who holds their future.

With a heart broken before the Lord, I sat at His feet and waited for a response...

"For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again." 2 Corinthians 5:14-15

(Friends, if you are reading this, then know that the verse above is talking about YOU. The One it is talking about is Jesus Christ and He died to bring you new life. Romans 9:9-10 says "that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation." I would love to talk to you more about this decision: erikamarie82@gmail.com)

the joy of turning back to Him (#1)

I want to spend some time sharing a little bit about a big part of my heart. Congruently, this also means sharing some of my testimony. I will be posting segments of God’s story in my life for you to read over the next few weeks. Here is “part 1”…

8 years ago, I started attending a new church. I had just come "home" from a year of backsliding. This wasn't your typical "turn from the Lord and drink, do drugs, and date promiscuously" backsliding. It was sneakier than that. I walked away from any fellowship that I had and purposed to not go to church, read my bible, or do things "the right way."
I went after my own gods. That meant new work, new friends, a new town, a new identity. And I was miserable. But I was miserable with a smile on my face. I didn't go to sleep depressed and I didn't wake up thinking about how much my life sucked. I simply woke up and moved on with my day, calling myself a Christian, and yet, choosing how I wanted to live my life, did everything with my own terms. I had fun. I met some fun people, I was happy.

Then, one of my best friends came back from a mission trip to Ukraine. I drove to the coast to hang out with her (I was living in Bakersfield at the time) and hear about her trip. We spent upward of 4 hours talking about it. I left that day to drive home with a lot to think about. When she talked about her trip, you saw the joy in her smile. You saw the conviction of truth in her words. You saw the growth of her walk; you saw her maturity in the Lord. And I was jealous. I cried out the the Lord on that drive home. I needed to make some changes.

I wanted more of Him and I knew what that mean: turning back to Him, relying on Him, re-dedicating my life to Him. So, I laid it all down on the table. As I did, things started getting more clear for me. I was choosing my own friends: I needed to get back into fellowship. I was walking away from a closeness to the Lord: I needed to draw closer to the Lord by letting Him come near me again. I didn't want to change: I needed to WANT change. This shedding of myself and putting on of the Lord ultimately led to me turning around in a months time and moving back to the central coast. Moving in with new roommates. Attending a new church. Finding fulfillment in the Only One who can fulfill.

Ultimately, I look back at that time and I realized the foolishness of my own desires triumphing over the Lord's will in my life. Romans 1 talks about the Lord giving "them" over to their own desires and lusts...because it is what they chose. But the words of Jesus in Matthew is what resonate with me through that period of my life:

"Come to Me,

all you who labor and are heavy laden,

and I will give you rest.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me,

for I am gentle and lowly in heart,

and you will find rest for your souls.

For My yoke is easy

and My burden is light."

Matt 11:28-30

For the first time in over a year, I felt light again. I was walking back into the JOY of following the Only one worth following. I could breathe again because I wasn't so focused on not trying to drop things. I ran freely into the rest that He offered.

I haven't regretted it since.

(If you are reading this and don't yet know the joy, freedom, light-weight rest that Jesus offers to everyone (that includes me and you!), please don't hesitate to ask! The bible says that we are all just as wretched as the next and yet, in all of our glorious filth, Jesus chose to come and offer us a way to become clean again. It is called salvation and it is only by truly believing that His Son was sent to this world as a payment for your filth and sin, died the death that we deserved, and conquered that sin by raising again from the dead 3 days later that we might have eternal life through Him. I would love the opportunity to tell you more: erikamarie82@gmail.com)

Did you see Him?

When you saw that flower in its simply beauty contrasted with the complexity of the highway that it grew besides, did you marvel at the paint and not the Painter?

When you made eye contact with the little girl who offered you a big smile as she was being wheeled around the grocery store with her mom, did you compliment the mother and not the Father?

When you were interrupted from your daily grind by someone asking a question, needing a hand, wanting someone to talk to…did you remember Who you were helping?

When that topic of conversation came up for the Nth time, could you feel Him as He was prodding your heart and asking you to dwell on it, or was it just coincidence?

Did you see Him today as you walked into the coffee shop, out of the grocery story, and through your front door?

Did you hear Him today as you conversed with His creation, spoke with His children, and enjoyed His melody?

Did you thank Him today for the wonder of the full moon, the accomplishment of a job well done, or the peace of finishing another day by His grace alone?

Or, like me, did you forget that you are child of an amazing Father who delights in conversing with you?

He delights in lavishing us with every good and perfect gift. He enjoys speaking to us through His creation, gently calling us away to spend time with Him…

Lord, may we see you even in the most mundane tasks. May we hear you even in the most common of sounds. May we know you better even in the midst of understanding our surroundings less.

the un’s of our faith

Unexpected. Unknown. Unplanned.

If I were asked this week what three words defined my life right now, it would be these.

I didn’t expect that to happen. I didn’t know things would turn out the way they did. I wasn’t planning on having things go that way.

Tonight, I know that God knows. I know that what I didn’t expect, God expected. What I didn’t know, God knew. What I didn’t plan, God planned.

He knows because He is all knowing. He is all encompassing in knowledge, understanding, and wisdom…and even when we question and doubt and wonder if He looked down on our predicament and think “wow, didn’t see that one coming, ok, lets roll with it and see what happens…”…He still knew.

His ways…higher.

His thoughts…greater.

His love…better.

He has comforted me and those around me time and time again over the past few weeks, days, and even hours, with the reminder that just because we didn’t expect it to happen…He did. Just because we didn’t know that it would turn out that way…He did. and Just because we didn’t plan on having things go differently that we wanted…He did.

And He loves us.

And He knows us.

And His grace is sufficient for us.

Oh, what a beautiful God we serve! May we seek to desire more of the Un’s in our faith that bring us to a deeper understanding of the One who knows, plans, and expects!

We still won.

Did you know that in WW2, the Allies didn’t win all the battles they fought?

Did you know that an estimated 60 million people died in that war? Not all of them were enemies…

Did you know that those soldiers who fought for freedom and for justice were most likely scared as they stepped off ships and planes onto enemy ground, not knowing if they were going to live another day?

Have you ever thought about the fact that many of those soldiers may have had a change of heart in the midst of these battles and, as they watched comrade after comrade die beside them, they probably at some point thought “this is too much, I can’t do this anymore”…yet they had to keep going because enemies were all around them and they didn’t have another option?

War is bloody and filled with unknown. It is harsh, cruel, crippling, and filled with fear. War is a gruesome thing that is hard for me, in my tiny sheltered existence, to fathom.

And I think about the fact that, despite the death, we won.

Despite the fear and the confusion, we won.

Despite losing the battles, we won the war.

Despite the fact that World War II was one of the bloodiest, most gruesome, traumatic events in history, we still won.

And then I realize…Christian…we are fighting a war.

We are soldiers. (2 Tim 2:3-4)

We have an enemy. (Eph 6:16)

We are daily on a battle ground. (2 Cor 10:3-5)

And we must fight. (1 Tim 6:12)

But remember…

Despite the death of our flesh and our dreams, He already won.

Despite the fear of not knowing what is ahead and the confusion of not understanding what happened before, He already won.

Despite losing some of the battles, He already won the war.

Despite that fact that the life we are living here on this earth may be filled with trauma and pain, tears and heartache, He has already won.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."  Jhn 16:33

“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you completely; and may your whole spirit, soul, and body be preserved blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it. 1Th 5:23-24