I sat in church today and talked with God.
...I spilled my guts, actually. It wasn't very pretty either. It was self focused and juvenile. It was painful and it was real. It was confusing and refreshing and tantrum-esque.
And in the end of it, He spoke to me some profound words. After trying to flee, after sitting through the service and dwelling on...myself...the entire time. After attempting to surrender but only having 1/2 of me to give...the Lord fought for me and I could feel it. My flesh so desired to win. So desired to push away from the Lord. So desired to make me feel alone...
The Lord spoke to me....and they were the exact words that I needed to hear. Words of rebuke, exhortation and, above all, Love.
"You're only as alone as you let yourself be."
I was complaining to the Lord. I felt alone. I felt like no one understood me...I felt like...I felt...I. The bottom line was ME. I. Such a small use of written space..."I"...yet with such profound and painful attachments. I was pushing the Lord and He knew it and He also let me know it.
The idea of "self" was a masterful and dare I say witty device created by the enemy.
We were meant to fellowship--to commune with our Lord. We were created to enjoy His presence and created to be enjoyed by Him. We were created...by a God who loves us, who cherishes and protects us...who desires and calls out to be with us every >day.hour.minute.second< of our lives. So where does the "self" have any place to be in this beautiful world of dwelling with the Lord?
In my struggles and in the reality that I call "life", I have a choice. In my flesh and in mySelf, I will be alone. I will try to tell myself that I am fine, but I will still be alone. BUT, in the Lord and in the Fellowship of believers around me, I will be filled with Love. I will be overwhelmed with Love. I will have no room for Self as I seek to fill my heart with the Lord and those gifts that He has given me.
"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
"Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God! Therefore the world does not know us, because it did not know Him." 1 John 3:1
I encourage any who read this to first come before the Lord and bring your SELF to Him. He so desires to commune with you. And seek His fellowship.
And...I'd love to be able to keep myself less focused on...myself.
You know how to pray for me now...
How can I pray for you?